ORIGINAL SOURCE ANGLOSAXON LANGUAGE SAMPLE BEOWULF TOLKIEN OLD ENGLISH

TALES FROM THE DIARY OF AN ANGLOSAXON FRIAR

LINDISFARNE, ENGLAND, 1117 ANNUS DOMINI...

«… OFT, DURING THE DAGEN YESTER, HERDE IC SOME OF MY BRODER FRIARS WHISPERING ABOUT THE SWEET REVELATION, AS HIRE USED THEY TO CALL. TREMENDEOUS IMPRESSION QUERY SWA HAT THIS FACT CREATED IN MIN HEART, BECAUSE NOWHERE IN THE OFFICIAL ANGLOSAXON TRADITION, WOULD THERE BE A RITE AS HIRE. AYE TIME TRIEDE IC TO EXTRACT INFORMATION THEREABOUT, FROM THE SENIOR BRODERS, CAM IC UP AGAINST A WALL OF SILENCE…

…YONDER MORN, THE ARCHBISHOP ANNOUNCED TO US THAT BY NIGHTFALL THE MYSTIC RITE OF THE SWEET REVELATION WOULD BEGIN, ORDERING US TO APPLY ABSOLUTE LENT THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE DAG. DIVINE FEAR MIN HEART WARPDETH…

…ERE MOONRISE, THEY ARRANGED US INTO TWO CONCENTRIC CYCLES. THE YOUNG MONKS, AS IC, FORMED THE INTERNAL CYCLE, WHILE THE ELDER ONES FORMED THE EXTERNAL. THE ARCHBISHOP OPENDETH AN OLD WOODEN BOOK AND BEGAN READING THE LORD’S PRAYER IN AN EERIE ARCHAIC DIALECT:

FÆDER URE

ÞU ÞE EART ON HEOFONUM

SI ÞIN NAMA GEHALGOD

TO BECUME ÞIN RICE

GEWURÞE ÐIN WILLA

ON EORÐAM SWA SWA ON HEOFONUM

URNE GEDÆGHWAMLICAN HLAF SYLE US TODÆG

AND FORGYF US URE GYLTAS

SWA SWA WE FORGYFAÐ URUM GYLTENDUM

AND NE GELÆD ÞU US ON COSTNUNGE

AC ALYS US OF YFELE

SOÞLICE

HE THO NODDED TO THE EXTERNAL CYCLE. ERE WE REALIZED WHAT WAS TO HAPPEN, THE ELDERS OF THE EXTERNAL CYCLE THREW US DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND BEGAN TEARING URE APRONS AND STRETCHING URE LEGS APART IN ORDER TO SODOMISE US…

… AYE MONK, MINSELF INCLUDED, ATTEMPTEDETH TO RESIST THIS SACRILEGE, IMMEDIATELY SUFFERED RELENTLESS PUNCHING AND KICKING ON HIS WHOLE BODY. THESE MOST DISRESPECTFUL AND ANTITHEIST FRIARS WERE RAPING US IN A MOST FIERCE AND WRATHFUL FASHION FOR APPROXIMATELY 20 MINUTES AS URE POOR SELVES WERE DESPERATELY CRYING AND BEGGING TO BE LET LOOSE. THE ONLY EXCEPTIONS IN URE CYCLE WERE SOME HOMOSEXUAL FRIARS WHO –O THE WRETCHED ONES!– ENJOYED THE SODOMISING YELLING THE FOLLOWING SINFUL IMPUDENCES: «DEEPER!!», «FASTER!!!», «HARDER BROTHERS!!!», «IC AM A SINNER, O BROTHERS UNDER GOD!!! PUNISH ME SO AS IC HENCEFOR EXPIATE!!!»…

… THESE FILTHIEST AND MOST MISERABLE DEVILS WERE EJACULATING ON URE FACES CHANTING "O MOTHER OF JESUS, HOW GREAT THOU ART…" AND THO THEY WERE SPITTING ON AND HITTING US, LIKE RAVING BEASTS. WHEN TURNDE IC MIN HEAD GATEWARD, BEHELD IC THE ARCHBISHOP WATCHING THIS UNHOLY MONSTROSITY MID INDESCRIBABLE APATHY AND ATARAXIA. RIGHT IMMEDIATELY HE SET A WHISTLE IN HIS MOUTH AND BLEW, GIVING THE SIGNAL TO A SQUAD OF 50 EX-VIKING WARRIORS, NOW CHRISTIAN MONKS, TO ENTER THE HALL OF BLASPHEMY. THESE BARBARIAN SAVAGES FROM DANMARK, AFTER A VIKING ONSLAUGHT RAID ON URE HOLY ISLAND, HAD STAYED IN BRITAIN AS MERCENARIES TO PROTECT THE MONASTERIES AND THEY HAD TURNED CHRISTIAN. AC NOW, THERE THEY WERE WITH CHRISTIAN APRONS TOGETHER WITH THE VIKING HORNED HELMETS ON THEIR HEADS, RUNNING FURIOUSLY INTO THE HALL BRANDISHING IRON CROWBARS IN THEIR HANDS, WHILE ON THEIR APRONS THERE WAS A MYSTERIOUS PHRASE EMBROIDERED: FADUNG ÞÆS FIÞREWYRMES KRISTES. LATER FOUND IC OUT THAT IT MEANT “ORDER OF THE WINGED DRAGON CHRIST”.

… THESE WERE TRULY TRAINED, RUTHLESS ASSASSINS! THEY FELL SWIFTLY AND VEHEMENTLY LIKE A TYPHOON ON THE FRIARS OF THE EXTERNAL CYCLE, WHO WERE COMPLETELY IGNORANT ABOUT SUCH A COURSE, AND A GRUESOME SPECTACLE OF INARTICULATE FEROCITY AND UNCOUTH BARBARISM FOLLOWED. SO FURIOUSLY WERE THEY HITTING THEM WITH THE CROWBARS, THAT THE WHOLE MONASTERY WAS VIBRATING DUE TO THE SPASTIC SCREAMINGS AND DESPERATE MOANINGS OF THE FRIARS. ALBEIT MIN SENSES HAD SERIOUSLY BEEN BLUNTED DUE TO MIN PREVIOUS PHYSICAL TORMENT, COULD IC MOST CLEARLY HEAR THE FRACTURES OF THE CRANIAL AND THORACIC BONES…

… ERE TWO MINUTES WOULD PASS, THESE BLOOD-THIRSTY HORNED PREDATORS HAD LITERALLY MADE ALL THE EXTERNAL CYCLE’S FRIARS HANDICAPPED. THEY THO LAID THEIR UNCONSCIOUS BODIES ON US, FACED UP, AND ATTACKED THEIR DEFENSELESS ARSES WITH THEIR STEAMING GLANSES. SO VAST WAS THE WRATH OF THESE –ONLY BY NAME– PEOPLE, THAT THEY WERE ROARING LIKE RABID DRAGONS AS THEY WERE RAPING THEM. THEY CONTINUED TO HIT THEM, EVEN UNCONSCIOUS, MID THE CROWBARS!!! THREE LEVELS OF A PERVERSION COMPLEX HAD BEEN CREATED, MID US, THE YOUNGSTERS, ON THE FIRST FLOOR, THE ELDERS ON THE SECOND AND THE NORSEMEN ON THE THIRD!!!…

… EFT LEERDE IC ARCHBISHOP–WARD, ONLY TO COME INTO VIEW OF HIM NACOD WHOLLY, SPRINKLING HIS APRON MID A FLAMMABLE SUBSTANCE AND THO BURNING IT (!!!) CHANTING -UNKNOWN TO ME- HAUNTED PSALMS IN THIS ODD PAGAN DIALECT, WHICH LATER LEARNDE IC THAT IT WAS THE OLD LANGUAGE OF THE SAXONS, SPOKEN CENTURIES AGO. CAUSDETH SWA SURPRISE TO ME HIS CIRCUMCISED GENITAL. AFTER HIS APRON WAS COMPLETELY BURNT, RAISDETH HE HIS ARMS AND HIS FACE SKYWARD AND CROWED IN THAT SAME ARCANE DIALECT: «HWÆT OÞER SCEAL IC DONEN BEALDOR GEWULDRIAN ÞEE?». IMMEDIATELY APPEARDETH A TERRIBLE ENGEL IN A BLACK GARMENT AND TOLD HIM: «GESWEOTOLIAN ÞY BEALDOR HWIDER ÞY GELEAFA ARÆCANEÞ»…

… THEN THE ARCHBISHOP PASSED OUT INTO ECSTASIS. HIS EAGEN WERE SET AGLOW, FLASHING LIKE BURNING COAL, HIS SIGHT TURNDETH RUGGED AND DARK, AND THE SCARIEST OF ALL: HIS FEET GRADUALLY LEFT THE FLOOR AND HE STARTEDETH FLOATING LIKE A DAEMON, APPROXIMATELY THREE INCHES OFF THE GROUND. THAT WAS THE MOMENT WHEN IC BECAME CONVINCED THAT IC WAS NOT GOING TO ESCAPE ALIVE FROM THE MONASTERY. IMMEDIATELY THE FLYING SATAN, WITH AN UNEXPLAINED, ULTRANATURAL FORCE, GRABBDETH A BULKY CANDELABRUM AND DANGLDETH RAPIDLY TOWARDS THE STUNNED NORSEMEN, WHO, LAID FACED DOWN, WERT WRITHING AS THEY WERT SUFFERING BLOWS OF UNSEEN FIERCENESS ON THEIR HEADS AND BACKS, WHILE HE SIMULTANEOUSLY WAS URINATING ON THEM. THE HELMETS WERE BREAKING LIKE SOFT NUTSHELLS, AND EVEN THE HEADS OF SOME BROKE AND THEIR BRAINS WERE SPILLED, FORMING, ALONG WITH THE SPERM, URINE AND BLOOD, STREAMS, WHICH SOON BATHED ALL THE FRIARS AND WHICH WERE EMITTING AN UNBEARABLE STENCH INTO THE PLACE…

… AFTER A WHILE, A DEADLY SILENCE COVERED AYETHING. NOW HERDE IC NOTHING. FOR FIVE MINUTES REMAINDE IC SILENT. IC CRAWLED MID GREAT EFFORT OUTSIDE OF THIS DISGUSTING BIO-PULP AND SAW IC A HILL OF BLOODY, MOTIONLESS CORPSES. MOST OF THEM WERE UNCONSCIOUS, SOME DEAD AND EXTREMELY DEFORMED IN THEIR FACES DUE TO THE BEASTIAL HITS. THE ARCHBISHOP WAS LAYING UNCONSCIOUS NEAR THE CANDELABRUM, WHICH IN SOME POINTS WAS BENT DUE TO THE IMMENSE FORCE OF THE BLOWS. THIS EPILEPTIC SATAN HAD EJACULATED IN AN AMOK ON THE CANDELABRUM DUE TO THE FEROCIOUS HEDONISM WHICH HE WAS EXPERIENCING DURING HIS DAEMONIC CATALEPSY...

… IC CRAWLED MID CAUTION UNTIL THE GATE OF THE MONASTERY AND CONTINUED TO CRAWL AWAY IN A PATHETIC CONDITION, EXHAUSTED, BLOODY, MID DENTAL AND THORACIC FRACTURES AND MID MY APRON TORN AND SOAKING WET OFF THE FLUIDS OF THE CRIME. THE FROST AND THE RAIN AGGRAVATED MY MISFORTUNE AND DESPERATE WAS IC PRAYING, MID TEARS IN MIN EAGEN, TO MIN ROMAN LORD JOSHUA CHRESTO, BEGGING HIM TO SHOW ME MERCY. THEN SAW IC A FRIAR STANDING ON A FAR AWAY HILL AND THENCE LOOKING HITHER. IC NODDED AND SHOUTED FOR HELP, HE ANSWERDETH NOT, BUT HE NODDEDETH TO ANOTHER ORDER OF FRIARS. IC REALIZDE THAT THEY BELONGED TO THE SECRET GUARD OF THE SATANS OF THE MONASTERY AND IC ACCELERATED. IMMEDIATELY ARROWS FROM THE HILL STARTED WHISTLING IN THE AIR. THE FRIARS-ARCHERS HAD BEEN NOTIFIED AND SKIRMISHED. IC WAS LUCKY. NO ARROW FOUND ME. IC SLIPDE UNTO THE WOODS AND ESCAPDE INTO THE DARKNESS…»